i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
