WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I am available for nakedness
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
