He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
