im drinking this country out of the recession.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
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