The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
