I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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