i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
