Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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