I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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