I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize