I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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