dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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