You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
But break dance skills will only take you so far
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
