remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
