Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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