I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
