i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
