i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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