I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
