When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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