i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
