I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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