Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
the day after is always just damage control
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
