my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
