just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
