If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
soo... how was my night?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize