i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
