Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
