Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
