I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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