eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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