$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize