It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
