I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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