I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
