Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize