I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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