I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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