Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
