I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
