I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
