Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
