they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
