Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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