I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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