i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
