my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
In other news, I just burned my penis
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
