Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
