He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
