Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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