I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
This house was built for laser tag.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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