Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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