I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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