My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
