I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Can I color on your dick again?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
