dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
