Need sex. Gaining weight.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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