I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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