I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
