i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Randomize
