Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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