I could have mohawked her pubes.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
