i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
