TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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