Me. At least after what I've been through.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
