True but thats because hes a fetus.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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