When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
