do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i drank out of a bidet.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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