i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
