so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
