What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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