i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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